The scene: a room - in a hospital? - my surrounds are ill defined and three Dads from the NCT group sit nearby. It feels like an eternity before anyone speaks.
Me: What are we doing here?
Pause
Dad 1: We're waiting.
Me: We are? For what?
Pause
Dad 2: You know.
Dad 3: Yes. (short pause) You know.
There is another long pause as they all smile. Do I know? I close my eyes and think. When I look up again Dad 3 has gone.
Me: Where did he go?
Pause
Dad 2: Mmm?
Dad 1: It was his turn.
Pause
Dad 2: Not long now.
I think harder and then the realisation sweeps over me. I awake.
W: Morning.
Me: Morning, darling.
W: I didn't sleep much. He's been squirming all last night.
Me: Really? Poor you.
W: Probably getting ready for his bid for freedom.
Me: (slightly panicked) Now?
W: No, not now.
Me: (calmer) Well not obviously not 'now' but soon?
W: Who knows? It's still a few days 'til the due date.
Me: I had a dream about waiting for Flaily to arrive. I was with the other Dads and they made me very nervous. It was all very Pinteresque. Shades of Beckett too.
W gives a little chuckle.
Me: I'm not very nervous as it happens. But I think it was because we all went out last night. It gives you a vibe.
W: The meeting of the 'Nervous Pregnant Dads' Association' eh?
Me: Something like that.
W: I'm not particularly nervous.
Me: No? Even when it's all happening to you?
W: I appreciate the reminder.
Me: Just pointing out the obvious really.
W: Yeah, thanks for that.
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Friday, 26 August 2011
If Happy Little Bluebirds Fly...
Another interesting conversation with my hairdresser (see also A Cut Above)
Hairdresser: It's all getting so exciting and very near!
Me: Yes.
Hairdresser: Is your wife very large at the moment?
Me: The bump is pretty big but she's looking very compact.
Hairdresser: I had one woman in the other day who looked, well, basically pretty fat and it was only half way through the cut that I wondered if she was pregnant. In the end I just asked her. Bit of a relief I got it right really, because it turned out she was 27 weeks.
Me: That was a bit of luck,
Hairdresser: Well sometimes you can just tell...
Snip snip, snip snip snip...
Hairdresser: So have you got any names yet?
Me: We have some in mind.
Hairdresser: But you're not telling.
Me: Yeah.
Hairdresser: No, good on you. You wouldn't want anyone to spoil it would you?
Me: We like our list...
Hairdresser: I had a woman in here a few weeks ago - not the fat one - no, this one was called Mrs Bow. I asked her the same thing and she said she wanted to call her son Wayne.
Me: (remaining completely non-judgemental) Wayne? OK...
Hairdresser: I said you can't call it Wayne poor thing. Do you see? Wayne Bow? Waynebow? Rainbow? When he grows up it will sound like he can't pronounce his Rs. He's gonna get the piss ripped out of him something terrible.
Me: You saved the day.
At this point the assistant hairdresser interrupts
Assistant hairdresser: Sorry, I think you better come over here. (pointing) That lady said she's burning.
Hairdresser: It can feel like that when the colour gets put in.
They both move away slightly, but I can see them in the mirror.
Assistant hairdresser: No, I think she's actually burning.
Hairdresser: (sniffs) Oh yeah, I see what you mean...
My haircut draws swiftly to a close at this point.
Hairdresser: It's all getting so exciting and very near!
Me: Yes.
Hairdresser: Is your wife very large at the moment?
Me: The bump is pretty big but she's looking very compact.
Hairdresser: I had one woman in the other day who looked, well, basically pretty fat and it was only half way through the cut that I wondered if she was pregnant. In the end I just asked her. Bit of a relief I got it right really, because it turned out she was 27 weeks.
Me: That was a bit of luck,
Hairdresser: Well sometimes you can just tell...
Snip snip, snip snip snip...
Hairdresser: So have you got any names yet?
Me: We have some in mind.
Hairdresser: But you're not telling.
Me: Yeah.
Hairdresser: No, good on you. You wouldn't want anyone to spoil it would you?
Me: We like our list...
Hairdresser: I had a woman in here a few weeks ago - not the fat one - no, this one was called Mrs Bow. I asked her the same thing and she said she wanted to call her son Wayne.
Me: (remaining completely non-judgemental) Wayne? OK...
Hairdresser: I said you can't call it Wayne poor thing. Do you see? Wayne Bow? Waynebow? Rainbow? When he grows up it will sound like he can't pronounce his Rs. He's gonna get the piss ripped out of him something terrible.
Me: You saved the day.
At this point the assistant hairdresser interrupts
Assistant hairdresser: Sorry, I think you better come over here. (pointing) That lady said she's burning.
Hairdresser: It can feel like that when the colour gets put in.
They both move away slightly, but I can see them in the mirror.
Assistant hairdresser: No, I think she's actually burning.
Hairdresser: (sniffs) Oh yeah, I see what you mean...
My haircut draws swiftly to a close at this point.
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Months Become Weeks, Weeks Become Days
It's not that I don't realise how close this all is, but two very recent conversations have really brought it home.
In the office
Pat: So how's your wife doing?
Me: Fine, bump still growing steadily and moving side to side every so often.
Pat: Yes, boys have a habit of doing that. They get all jiggly and worked up.
Me: Unless 'he' pops out and surprises us all.
Pat: I think if you saw it on the scan, it's probably what you're getting.
Me: Yes, we were all very sure.
Pat: Little chance of it changing then. So when's he due?
Me: Next month, end of the first week.
Pat: Just under 3 weeks then.
Me: If you put it like that.
Pat: 19 days.
Me: That's another interesting way of putting it.
At home, the next day
W: I think he's starting to wriggle less because he's running out of room.
Me: Can he hold on another couple of weeks?
W: Make it to September?
Me: Yes.
W: Just 11 days....
Me: When you put it like that.
W: Well, we've had full term already. (to the bump) It could any day now.
Me: But first babies are more likely to be late?
W: That's what they say. So it could be 5 weeks if he's feeling really really comfy.
And so there we are. No one really knows - it could be tomorrow, it could be a month away. Watch this space.
In the office
Pat: So how's your wife doing?
Me: Fine, bump still growing steadily and moving side to side every so often.
Pat: Yes, boys have a habit of doing that. They get all jiggly and worked up.
Me: Unless 'he' pops out and surprises us all.
Pat: I think if you saw it on the scan, it's probably what you're getting.
Me: Yes, we were all very sure.
Pat: Little chance of it changing then. So when's he due?
Me: Next month, end of the first week.
Pat: Just under 3 weeks then.
Me: If you put it like that.
Pat: 19 days.
Me: That's another interesting way of putting it.
At home, the next day
W: I think he's starting to wriggle less because he's running out of room.
Me: Can he hold on another couple of weeks?
W: Make it to September?
Me: Yes.
W: Just 11 days....
Me: When you put it like that.
W: Well, we've had full term already. (to the bump) It could any day now.
Me: But first babies are more likely to be late?
W: That's what they say. So it could be 5 weeks if he's feeling really really comfy.
And so there we are. No one really knows - it could be tomorrow, it could be a month away. Watch this space.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
In My Bag I Packed...
Discussions at our NCT group revealed a plethora of things we need to have with us when we go to the hospital.We have a bag ready and waiting; deciding what to put in it is another matter...
Me: So we know what bag we're taking?
W: Yes - the handy travel bag. I've already put the essentials inside.
Me: Anything I need to bring?
W: Er....may be a change of clothes, a toothbrush.
Me: Sandwiches?
W: If you want, but they'll have vending machines.
Me: That's just coke and chocolate. I can go one better than that - the NCT lads said you can order take out from the maternity ward. I've got it sorted.
W: I see...
Pause
W: And then there's music.
Me: Eh?
W: What did you think we were going to do - sit there in silence?
Me: Perhaps we can get a baby DJ - like we had for the wedding, but for babies.
W: I'm sure there's a business plan there somewhere. Meanwhile, back on earth, I can bring the Ipod speakers. It runs on batteries; remember that we're not allowed to plug anything in?
Me: Cool, well there's certainly enough music on there for a playlist.
W: We'll need mellow music, motivational music...
Me: Two playlists then...
W: And something to bring focus.
Me: Focus?
W: To help bring him out. It'll be mainly stuff I run to at the gym.
Me: OK, three lists... Anything I need to do?
W: Buy a sieve?
Me: A sieve? For?
W: If it's a water birth...
Me: Yeah?
W: There are a few things that need fishing out...
Pause as I think this through
Me: Flaily?
W: No! Think again.
Me: Afterbirth?
W: I'm not going into it any more.
Pause
Me: We've got a sieve in the kitche....
W: (interrupting) We are not using that one.
Me: I'll nip out and get a new one. But you know what?
W: What?
Me: We're going to need a bigger bag.
Me: So we know what bag we're taking?
W: Yes - the handy travel bag. I've already put the essentials inside.
Me: Anything I need to bring?
W: Er....may be a change of clothes, a toothbrush.
Me: Sandwiches?
W: If you want, but they'll have vending machines.
Me: That's just coke and chocolate. I can go one better than that - the NCT lads said you can order take out from the maternity ward. I've got it sorted.
W: I see...
Pause
W: And then there's music.
Me: Eh?
W: What did you think we were going to do - sit there in silence?
Me: Perhaps we can get a baby DJ - like we had for the wedding, but for babies.
W: I'm sure there's a business plan there somewhere. Meanwhile, back on earth, I can bring the Ipod speakers. It runs on batteries; remember that we're not allowed to plug anything in?
Me: Cool, well there's certainly enough music on there for a playlist.
W: We'll need mellow music, motivational music...
Me: Two playlists then...
W: And something to bring focus.
Me: Focus?
W: To help bring him out. It'll be mainly stuff I run to at the gym.
Me: OK, three lists... Anything I need to do?
W: Buy a sieve?
Me: A sieve? For?
W: If it's a water birth...
Me: Yeah?
W: There are a few things that need fishing out...
Pause as I think this through
Me: Flaily?
W: No! Think again.
Me: Afterbirth?
W: I'm not going into it any more.
Pause
Me: We've got a sieve in the kitche....
W: (interrupting) We are not using that one.
Me: I'll nip out and get a new one. But you know what?
W: What?
Me: We're going to need a bigger bag.
Friday, 12 August 2011
The Rules of Engagement
When a baby moves a little lower and the head descends into the pelvic cavity, it's called engagement. To my mind, the term sounds like the birth is imminent - not at all - there's still a chance he could move out of position during the next few weeks.
Me: We just have to make sure he doesn't disengage.
W: Er... well I do. You can just watch.
Me: Watch...?
W: Me sitting forward, on the gym ball etc - letting gravity do its work. He has to know the rules. No moving into silly positions.
Me: I'm sure he'll be OK.
W: With a little encouragement.
Pause as W looks down and rubs her bump
W: (talking to the bump) A happy mummy who hasn't been through a traumatic labour is probably in a better position to give you your first feed properly. Just think about that eh?
Already we're bribing him with food...
Me: We just have to make sure he doesn't disengage.
W: Er... well I do. You can just watch.
Me: Watch...?
W: Me sitting forward, on the gym ball etc - letting gravity do its work. He has to know the rules. No moving into silly positions.
Me: I'm sure he'll be OK.
W: With a little encouragement.
Pause as W looks down and rubs her bump
W: (talking to the bump) A happy mummy who hasn't been through a traumatic labour is probably in a better position to give you your first feed properly. Just think about that eh?
Already we're bribing him with food...
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
A Little Bit of Guesswork
Having a chat at work...
Karen: We could have a guess the name competition.
Me: I'm not dropping any hints
Karen: But you've got an idea?
Me: Might have.
Colin: He's not giving anything away.
Karen: OK then, how about a guess the weight competition.
Colin: 10 pounds! All babies these days are 10 pounds.
Me: My wife will be thrilled to hear that...
Colin: It's true!
Me: I don't think so.
Pause as we talk about a few other things
Karen: So... is W quite big now?
Me: As big as you might expect at eight months...
Colin: He's not giving anything away.
Me: Nope!
Karen: We could have a guess the name competition.
Me: I'm not dropping any hints
Karen: But you've got an idea?
Me: Might have.
Colin: He's not giving anything away.
Karen: OK then, how about a guess the weight competition.
Colin: 10 pounds! All babies these days are 10 pounds.
Me: My wife will be thrilled to hear that...
Colin: It's true!
Me: I don't think so.
Pause as we talk about a few other things
Karen: So... is W quite big now?
Me: As big as you might expect at eight months...
Colin: He's not giving anything away.
Me: Nope!
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Streeeetch
How do you know when to comment and when to keep schtum?
W: I was speaking to the midwife earlier today and asked her about my stretch marks.
Me: What did she say?
W: I told her I didn't know I had any until the other day my husband told me they were there.
Me: (sheepishly) Sorry, I thought you could see them.
W: Oh yeah, like I can see anything past the bump.
Me: I thought I was doing you a favour. It was a few weeks ago when I first noticed and I didn't think you'd want me to draw attention to them.*
W: She just said not to worry - wear them as a badge of honour.
*A classic example of digging the hole a little deeper for myself.
W: I was speaking to the midwife earlier today and asked her about my stretch marks.
Me: What did she say?
W: I told her I didn't know I had any until the other day my husband told me they were there.
Me: (sheepishly) Sorry, I thought you could see them.
W: Oh yeah, like I can see anything past the bump.
Me: I thought I was doing you a favour. It was a few weeks ago when I first noticed and I didn't think you'd want me to draw attention to them.*
W: She just said not to worry - wear them as a badge of honour.
*A classic example of digging the hole a little deeper for myself.
Saturday, 6 August 2011
Gravity
At about 34 weeks, the foetus really needs to be getting into an anterior position. This essentially means thay he should be facing downwards with his face pretty much towards the spine. The other way round (face to front) is called a posterior presentation. Guess who's been paying attention in NCT classes? W went to the midwife earlier this week to get this checked out.
Me: How'd it go?
W: Good. Gravity's doing its thing.
Me: Great!
W: But there's still time for him to move to the other way.
Me: He won't will he?
W: I don't know! He seems to do what he wants!
Any reference to Flaily's decision-making abilities always draws my mind forward 17 years or so, when he storms out of the house shouting something like 'I can do what I want!'.
We sit and W loosens the waistband of the her maternity jeans and runs a hand across the bump.
Me: So he's 'anterior'...
W: Look at you with your fancy lingo.
Me: I remember a lot from the classes.
W: (pointing to the centre and [her] left of the bump) He's got his back down here...
Me: That's why the bump looks so firm.
W: And his legs and elbows out to the right a bit - that's why he gives me so much grief on this side. (addressing the bump) Little monster!
As if to cue, we both witness a rippling movement across the bump.
W: Yeah, see!
I place a hand on the same spot but feel nothing.
W: Well, what do you know? 'Hand of Dad' calms everything down.
Me: Cool!
W: If it works, you'll be doing the night time soothing.
Me: It was probably just a coincidence...
I'll keep you all posted on how this works out.
Me: How'd it go?
W: Good. Gravity's doing its thing.
Me: Great!
W: But there's still time for him to move to the other way.
Me: He won't will he?
W: I don't know! He seems to do what he wants!
Any reference to Flaily's decision-making abilities always draws my mind forward 17 years or so, when he storms out of the house shouting something like 'I can do what I want!'.
We sit and W loosens the waistband of the her maternity jeans and runs a hand across the bump.
Me: So he's 'anterior'...
W: Look at you with your fancy lingo.
Me: I remember a lot from the classes.
W: (pointing to the centre and [her] left of the bump) He's got his back down here...
Me: That's why the bump looks so firm.
W: And his legs and elbows out to the right a bit - that's why he gives me so much grief on this side. (addressing the bump) Little monster!
As if to cue, we both witness a rippling movement across the bump.
W: Yeah, see!
I place a hand on the same spot but feel nothing.
W: Well, what do you know? 'Hand of Dad' calms everything down.
Me: Cool!
W: If it works, you'll be doing the night time soothing.
Me: It was probably just a coincidence...
I'll keep you all posted on how this works out.
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Slow-moving Person
We're walking to the station together.
W: I hope I'm not going to make you late.
Me: I've got plenty of time.
W: It's just that I'm slowing you down a bit.
Me: Nothing to worry about, honestly.
W: It took me 20 minutes to do this 10-minute walk yesterday.
We walk a bit further...
W: I can't even bend properly either. What happened there?
Me: Little flaily...
W: I know! It was a rhetorical question.
And into the next road...
W: But I am determined* not to waddle.
Me: Nope, still no waddling here.
*Regular readers will remember the origins of this determination.
W: I hope I'm not going to make you late.
Me: I've got plenty of time.
W: It's just that I'm slowing you down a bit.
Me: Nothing to worry about, honestly.
W: It took me 20 minutes to do this 10-minute walk yesterday.
We walk a bit further...
W: I can't even bend properly either. What happened there?
Me: Little flaily...
W: I know! It was a rhetorical question.
And into the next road...
W: But I am determined* not to waddle.
Me: Nope, still no waddling here.
*Regular readers will remember the origins of this determination.
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