More than a Badge

The 'Baby on Board' badge issued by London Transport is not having the desired effect.

W: Today there was a man with a spare seat in front of him on the train and he had his feet on it. I had to stand.
Me: Bastard. Didn't he see the badge?
Me: Didn't want to see the badge more like.
W: They should do Baby on Board tasers. Then you could give a shock if someone didn't get up.
Me: I think you might onto something there - write and tell Transport for London.
W: They could brand them and everything.
Me: I can see the sponsorship tie-ins now - Southern Electric... EDF... Boris, if you're listening, we have an idea.

See Transport for London for information on how to get a badge.

Maximum Capacity

A largish woman gets into a crowded lift at work.

Woman: Excuse me! Sorry! (giggle)

The lift judders slightly as she steps in. We all get under way.

Woman: (to no one in particular) I'm getting bigger. I'm really am. I think I could feel it the other day. Just floating around all over the place. Floating in space. It's like they don't know where they are. Wha-hey! Look at me! I wonder when I'm really going to feel it? I'm pregnant you know.

Everyone shares a glance after she steps out.

Clouts and Lambs

We're getting ready for work and I can't decide whether to wear a lighter jacket.

Me: What do you think? I don't need to wear my big ol' coat anymore do I?
W: It's seven degrees outside.
Me: OK, I'll keep wearing the heavy one.
W: Am I your walking barometer or something? You've got the temperature on your phone.
Me: I do? I guess I never thought to look there.

Pause, I'm thinking

Me: I guess it's like they say 'Never cast a clout, till March is out'.
W: What's a 'clout'?
Me: I don't know.

Pause

W: How about 'in like a lion, out like a lamb'?
Me: For the end of March?
W: For the whole month.
Me: A lion roars... and that suggests power, warmth, hotness...
W: I don't think 'hotness' is a word.
Me: It's early. I can't think.
W: You're telling me.
Me: I'm not sure it makes any more sense than mine. You think of a lamb, you think soft and cute. So the end of March is... cuddly?
W: No. (sigh) Calmer, with more sunshine.
Me: So I could wear a jacket and get away with it?
W: It's seven degrees outside...
Me: Yeah, I know... I checked my phone...

Sharing with the World

Last night, I told my wife that I was thinking about writing a blog.

W: Really? So what are you going to write?

Me: Er, I thought, may be, I could share with the world the trials and tribulations of a man whose wife is pregnant.

pause, no answer

Me: OK?

pause, still no answer

Me: Hey, are you OK?

longer pause, still no answer

Me: (with concern) Why are you clutching your tummy? Is everything all right?

no answer, she looks up, tears streaming down her face

Me: Oh I see. 

pause 

Me: (slightly miffed) I didn't think it was that funny.