The Dry Run

Earlier this week. The scene: a maternity room at the local hospital. The room is sparsley furnished. There is a bed in the corner, a rocking chair in the middle of the room and a sink and a couple of hospital waste bins along the wall. In a far corner, there's is a padded seatless chair with an arm hanging over it. From this arm hangs a knotted cloth rope. W is on the bed and I'm sitting in the rocking chair. 

Me: So this is it?
W: Well not exactly it.
Me: You alright darling?
W: Fine. Just bumped the bump. Thought I better get it checked out - they said come straight in. You alright?
Me: It's been planes, trains and automobiles to get here from work. Just a little stressed.
W: Good trial run though.
Me: I thought this could be... the time.
W: I said it was all OK on the phone.
Me: Yeah, but you know....
W: He's not going to make an appearance just because we're in the hospital.
Me: I suppose. But the bump...
W: There's a bruise but they say it'll be alright. Tough outer coating this (patting the bump). They're just going to take a blood sample.

We wait another hour for the midwife to arrive. It's all very quiet, until we hear a baby start to cry down the hall.

Me: A new one?
W: Sounds like it.
Me: Wow.
W: I know.

Pause

Me: That thing in the corner looks like an instrument of torture.
W: The birthing chair?
Me: Is that what it is?
W: I might use that when we're here for real. Although I'd like a room with a pool.
Me: Five-star accommodation no less.
W: A birthing pool. That reminds me, we still need to get the sieve.
Me: Do I need my swimming shorts?
W: If you want.
Me: Can I think about it?

The midwife arrives and W explains what happened.

Midwife: It's when you start bashing your bum by accident that you've got to start worrying. Then you know you've had too much food. The bump can take it. You've got a few more days yet.

As we're leaving.

Me: Now we know what it's like, it doesn't seem so bad.
W: Can I just remind you who's actually doing this?
Me: You know what I mean.
W: Yes, I know. Only teasing! Besides we could be back here in a week.

Yes, we really could.